1. You’re a female in your twenties and work in either PR or media in London.

2. You frequently find yourself in the uncomfortable situation of standing next to a complete stranger, gently fondling avocados in the supermarket.

avocado cut in half

3. Even worse (and extremely likely if you live in Clapham), you often queue behind other shoppers for the chance to fondle avocados.

4. You always have at least six of them in the kitchen, because HEAVEN FORBID you should run out.

5. You’re constantly p*ssing off waiters by going off piste with your breakfast demands (i.e. adding avocado to errrrything on the menu).

6. You’ve seen all that advice from personal trainers saying you should only eat half an avocado a day and you’re just like ‘No, no thank you, this doesn’t apply to me’.

7. Avocados turn up in random places in your life, such as your gym kit (FYI, this has actually happened).

8. You go out for brunch with your mate and they’re like ‘Why can’t we go in any of these places we’ve walked past?’ and you’re too embarrassed to tell them it’s because NOWHERE SERVES GODDAMN AVOCADO.

9. You’ve experienced the dramz of trying to find a suitable ‘avocado knife’ in the work kitchen.

avocado cut in half

10. You find Lidl more thrilling than Topshop purely because they sell cheap avocados.

11. You’re fairly convinced that you could single-handedly turn around the fortunes of Morrison’s supermarkets if only your local store started stocking these delicious fruits.

12. You’ve occasionally become so desperate for avocado on toast that you’ve tried mashing a really unripe one and ended up with wrist injuries.

13. You’ve Instagram-ed an avocado.

14. You’ve read about the cereal café and the porridge café, and have subsequently considered opening your own avocado restaurant in East London.

15. Slicing open your last avocado and discovering it’s all grey and mushy inside is equivalent to slicing open YOUR HEART.

avocado mashed

 

  1. I’m bored.
  2. Think it’s time for my daily check of ‘New In’ at ASOS.
  3. It’s just a check though – I’m obviously not going to buy anything.
  4. Because I have no money.
  5. And no room for any more sequinned clutch bags.
  6. Funny how I start typing ‘a’ into my browser and it immediately knows what I’m looking for…
  7. …almost like I visit this website too much really.
  8. OH MY GOD this stuff is all so nice.
  9. Like really, really amazing. My life would be brilliant if I owned all these clothes.
  10. Oooh except all that mesh lingerie. What is it with all the mesh lingerie?
  11. I’ll just…click…on this coat. Just to look.
  12. Hmm imagine how many compliments I’d get in this buff coat.
  13. I’d be like one of those cool girls off Instagram.
  14. Life would change. Forever
  15. I’ll just add it to my basket for a laugh. Not to buy though, obvs..
  16. And what about this pretty dress?
  17. Colour choices: navy or latte. WHO WOULD EVER CHOOSE LATTE?
  18. It is cheap though.
  19. I’d probably get A LOT of boyfriends if I wore that dress out.
  20. I’m basically damaging my future relationship prospects if I don’t add it to my basket. In navy, obvs.
  21. Hang on a minute…
  22. I REALLY like the shoes they’ve styled it with. Handy little ‘Shop the look’ option they’ve got here.
  23. OH MY GOD the shoes are only left in my size. It’s a sign.
  24. I better add them to my basket before that one pair goes.
  25. CAN’T BELIEVE FATE IS ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE.
  26. Better check the ‘New In Accessories’, now I know the shoe gods are watching out for me today.
  27. Yes obviously I want to ‘View 204 per page’, duh.
  28. Oh man SHOES. SCARVES. CROSS-BODY BAGS.
  29. I actually don’t have a green snakeskin cross-body bag yet.
  30. Every girl needs one, right?
  31. That cool girl on Instagram has one.
  32. And snakeskin is SO in. I want to be in.
  33. It’s only £25.
  34. That’s like, one dinner out.
  35. Okay, here’s what I’ll do – instead of going out for dinner this week, I’ll put the sexy snakeskin in my basket.
  36. NOT that I’m actually going to buy any of this! Obviously!
  37. It’s just an imaginary basket.
  38. If anything, it’s a great way to satisfy my shopping urge without spending any more.
  39. But my life would change if I had that coat.
  40. And I would get a boyfriend if I wore that dress.
  41. Which basically cannot be worn without the shoes.
  42. And the bag is only £25!
  43. Ok here’s what – I’ll buy this lot, but then I’ll never buy anything again.
  44. I mean, if I buy these things, I will have enough stuff. At least until I get old and fat.
  45. Then I can buy new stuff.
  46. Ok here goes – about to make my last purchase EVER (until I get old and fat).
  47. I’m actually quite looking forward to my new shopping-free life.
  48. I’ll have so much time and money! I might take up a language class.
  49. I think I’m being slightly unrealistic. Potentially.
  50. I suppose could just save these items and come back to them later though…
  51. No, no, because the shoes will be gone then.
  52. And I’ll inevitably regret that for the rest of my life.
  53. When this stuff arrives, I’ll have a BIG wardrobe clear-out to make room. Yes siree.
  54. Ok I’M DOING IT.
  55. Oh hang on, can I find a promo code?
  56. Let’s Google it.
  57. How about this one?
  58. Nope.
  59. This one?
  60. Nope.
  61. Goddammit, this one?
  62. NOPE.
  63. F**k the promo code.
  64. I’M CLICKING TO BUY. God they make this too easy.
  65. Purchased! I feel wonderful! And so, so guilty…
  66. Probably time to check Topshop now.